I quit.

I quit.  Seriously.  I'm done.  Finished.

And it's a damn fine thing!

I've decided that I'm done letting stupid people and silly fears stop me from being happy.  I will always have OCD, and will always make things a little different for me, but IT WILL NOT STOP ME.

I'm finished letting other people convince me not to do something I know I will enjoy.  It's not YOUR life, it's MINE!  I was talked out of the Tough Mudder last year, I have been convinced to stay home when I would rather go out, I was guilted into missing things I wanted to do.  But you're not here anymore.  AND I'VE MOVED ON!

I went bouldering last night. I invited someone I barely know to join me on a hike (yes, I know for fact this person is not a serial killer).  I'm going to give a talk of sorts at a Girl Scout camp, despite what I think of public speaking.  I started playing my clarinet again, and (SCREW YOU, CONRAD!) I'm playing jazz!

I will work with my OCD, I will work around my OCD, but my OCD will not define me or run my life anymore.  It's my life, not yours.  You make it hard enough, OCD, without me letting you win.

I'm not letting fear of people thinking I'm weird stop me.  The people who love me, love me because I'm weird.  If you can't handle weird, it's not my problem that you're probably boring.

I'm going to be happy.  I've made the decision.   There will be bad days, there will be tough weeks.  That's life.  And I'm not going to let it get the best of me anymore!

(I'm not such a) Tough Mudder!

So, yesterday I participated in the Philadelphia Tough Mudder!  (Go, ME!)

And I have to admit, I use the phrase participate very loosely.  I only made it 1 mile!  I had to pack it in really early because of my knee.  I twisted it on Thursday, climbing this:

So it's not like I'm just a total wimp.

All in all, it was a good experience.  I learned a lot.  I had fun.  I spent some time with dear friends (who spent much more time with each other, because they actually finished).

I had a lot of trouble with my asthma in the humidity yesterday, which is new for me, and I think related to the pneumonia I had over the winter.

I made the first obstacle with no trouble, but by the time I got to the second one, my knee was already starting to protest the uneven ground and I couldn't adjust my brace because of all the mud on it.  So, rather than risking a serious injury, or preventing the boys from finishing, I bowed out gracefully and waited for them to finish.

They had a blast and now we all know the things we need to be better prepared for to do it next year.

I also noticed that I was, by far, the heaviest girl I saw all day who was a participant.  In a way, I'm proud of that, of the fact that despite my size, I tried anyway.  But mostly, I'm sad.  I'm sad that more bigger girls don't just get out there and try.  And closer to my heart, I'm sad that I let someone I should have been able to trust, affect me, my health and my self-worth in as negative a way as I have in the last few years.

But every day is new day, and a new chance to make a change, and change I will!  I'm already less lonely and more social than I've been in ages.  I'm spending time with more people who are better influences on me and I'm already seeing the positive impact on my health. (and my waistline!)  I'm eating better and keeping up around the house.  I'm getting art projects finished.

And most importantly, I'm really, truly happy for the first time in a long while!

Good things are afoot!

So, in the last month or so a lot has happened.  I don't really want to go into all of the gory details, but suffice it to say, it has become time to make a change.

That being said.  My house is cleaner than it's been in longer than I care to admit.  I sold a bunch junk that I was guilt-tripped into taking at a flea market and made a few bucks.

I've been doing yoga again and I've been out hiking twice already this year. I got to take a friend who'd never been there, to Jim Thorpe and to Tuscarora

I'm eating better and more regularly.  I'm packing my lunches and actually cooking breakfast.  I'm making foods I enjoy, and prepping healthy snacks.

I've learned how much my wedding vows meant to me and how much that doesn't matter if you spouse doesn't feel the same.

I've learned that amazing people can be found in unexpected places and that my family and friends are pretty much the most amazing people in the world.

I've found that I'm happy.  Really happy.  I love my freedom and I don't regret where I am.

And I got the chance to remind myself that there really isn't any better place to be that with the people who care about me.

So there!

A couple of weeks ago, I posted that my doctor thinks I'm not active enough.  She also said that probably my erratic work schedule makes my weight even harder to manage because my body never knows when to expect food.

Little did she know, I have hikes planned almost every other week for the entire summer.  My friend Dave and I will be hiking 22 miles on the Appalachian Trail this summer (Smith Gap to Bake Oven Knob/Rt 309) and we've been checking out the segments of the trail one at a time so there's less chance for surprise on the long hike.

We're planning to hit the trail early the first day because the first segment of the hike is the longest, and then we can take our time a little more the second day.

We hiked the Smith Gap to Little Gap segment on Saturday morning and I took a few pictures.

Good morning!  

The initial plan was to hit the trail by 6am, which didn't happen due to a GPS snafu (Thanks, Dave!), but we were still on out way before 7am, so I'll take it.

We saw several deer, including a couple of fawns, and tons of caterpillar and inchworms, but the thing I was most excited to see was this little guy.  Look close at the orange patch near the center, it's a newt!  This is maybe only the second or third time I've ever seen one in the woods, so it pretty well made my day.

This is the first vista we paused to look at, just west of Delps.  I'm not 100% sure what town we're looking at here, but it's in Moore Township.  Does anybody know???

The second vista that we took a long pause for was this one closer to Danielsville and Little Gap.  It's a large boulder field and I believe it's very near to Blue Mountain Ski Area.

All in all, it was a great hike, though it took a bit longer than we had anticipated.  We have one more segment of the the trail we want to check out before the long hike and that's Lehigh Furnace Gap to Bake Oven Knob/Rt 309, which will be our last leg on the longer trip.

***

It's amazing how once you get on the trail the actual geography of where you are doesn't matter at all, and the only thing left is the fact that you're there and it's beautiful.