I quit.

I quit.  Seriously.  I'm done.  Finished.

And it's a damn fine thing!

I've decided that I'm done letting stupid people and silly fears stop me from being happy.  I will always have OCD, and will always make things a little different for me, but IT WILL NOT STOP ME.

I'm finished letting other people convince me not to do something I know I will enjoy.  It's not YOUR life, it's MINE!  I was talked out of the Tough Mudder last year, I have been convinced to stay home when I would rather go out, I was guilted into missing things I wanted to do.  But you're not here anymore.  AND I'VE MOVED ON!

I went bouldering last night. I invited someone I barely know to join me on a hike (yes, I know for fact this person is not a serial killer).  I'm going to give a talk of sorts at a Girl Scout camp, despite what I think of public speaking.  I started playing my clarinet again, and (SCREW YOU, CONRAD!) I'm playing jazz!

I will work with my OCD, I will work around my OCD, but my OCD will not define me or run my life anymore.  It's my life, not yours.  You make it hard enough, OCD, without me letting you win.

I'm not letting fear of people thinking I'm weird stop me.  The people who love me, love me because I'm weird.  If you can't handle weird, it's not my problem that you're probably boring.

I'm going to be happy.  I've made the decision.   There will be bad days, there will be tough weeks.  That's life.  And I'm not going to let it get the best of me anymore!

(I'm not such a) Tough Mudder!

So, yesterday I participated in the Philadelphia Tough Mudder!  (Go, ME!)

And I have to admit, I use the phrase participate very loosely.  I only made it 1 mile!  I had to pack it in really early because of my knee.  I twisted it on Thursday, climbing this:

So it's not like I'm just a total wimp.

All in all, it was a good experience.  I learned a lot.  I had fun.  I spent some time with dear friends (who spent much more time with each other, because they actually finished).

I had a lot of trouble with my asthma in the humidity yesterday, which is new for me, and I think related to the pneumonia I had over the winter.

I made the first obstacle with no trouble, but by the time I got to the second one, my knee was already starting to protest the uneven ground and I couldn't adjust my brace because of all the mud on it.  So, rather than risking a serious injury, or preventing the boys from finishing, I bowed out gracefully and waited for them to finish.

They had a blast and now we all know the things we need to be better prepared for to do it next year.

I also noticed that I was, by far, the heaviest girl I saw all day who was a participant.  In a way, I'm proud of that, of the fact that despite my size, I tried anyway.  But mostly, I'm sad.  I'm sad that more bigger girls don't just get out there and try.  And closer to my heart, I'm sad that I let someone I should have been able to trust, affect me, my health and my self-worth in as negative a way as I have in the last few years.

But every day is new day, and a new chance to make a change, and change I will!  I'm already less lonely and more social than I've been in ages.  I'm spending time with more people who are better influences on me and I'm already seeing the positive impact on my health. (and my waistline!)  I'm eating better and keeping up around the house.  I'm getting art projects finished.

And most importantly, I'm really, truly happy for the first time in a long while!